the xlog : x-rated weblog

A teacher inadvertently used an [tag]x-rated[/tag] font for the cover of a third-grade spelling curriculum handed out to parents during an open house at the Pine Tree Elementary School in New York. Evidently the teacher thought that a font which used stick figures to form the letters of the alphabet would be a nice touch, but never looked closely enough to notice exactly how those stick figures were touching each other. In this case, the font uses male and female stick figures in various [tag]kinky[/tag] sexual positions to make the shapes of the letters.

We don’t have a copy of the handout that got the parents all worked up, but below are links to a few animated stick figures you may enjoy.

Naughty Schoolgirl ~ Albino Passion ~ A good Whipping ~ Harley Sex ~ Pornography Enjoyer ~ Help the Handicapped ~ Hamster Dance

[tag]Stick Figure Porn[/tag] courtesy of The Petting Zoo

The Seoul Sex Education Expo had heavily advertised the hot foreign women in steamy underwear, [tag]striptease[/tag] acts and sex seminars. But unfortunately, attendees had to settle for sex toys, lotions and audiovisual material.

Oh, the hot foreign models were ready to come perform at the show. No problem there at all. But the Korean immigration officials warned them that they’d be deported if they performed without performance visas. Usually they’d just have flown in on tourist visas, but that wasn’t good enough for the civic groups who pressured the Korean authorities to act like assholes and keep the models out of the country.

As you probably know, [tag]Steve Irwin[/tag], The Crocodile Hunter, died yesterday from the poison barb of a bull stingray. The news says he died almost immediately, although he was rushed to an island to meet the medivac chopper. Thinking about it remined me of the commercials he’d done for FedEx a few years ago. Click on the arrow in the center of the image to start the video clip.

R.I.P. Steve

The older cultures sometimes have the best traditions. Lots of cultures believe that the more people who attend someone’s funeral, the more important or honored that person must have been in life. Well, in China they have a way to guarantee a good turnout at a funeral: they use [tag]strippers[/tag]!

That’s right, they use naked dancing girls to attract more “mourners” to the funeral. Wealthy families often hire several strippers, and sometimes more than one group of strippers are employed, to ensure an even bigger crowd.

Wonder how I found out about this? I heard about it because the dickless wonders who run mainland China have now banned the traditional practice. They even arrested the people who run five of the stripper troupes for “obscene performances.”

Fucking uptight bureaucratic assholes.

Fortunately in Taiwan, which is free from mainland control–and I hope they stay that way, the traditions are still honored. In fact, together with the explicit strippers, the funerals often include hardcore remarks made about the virility of the deceased. Hell, they even use strippers in temples to express gratitude for lottery winnings!

So my advice for you today is, if you have to die and be buried in China, make sure you’re in Taiwan when you kick.

This image is from an article that was originally published on May 13th, 1955 in Housekeeping Monthly. You can click the image to open a small window where you can see and read the full article.

The article has a nice collection of what used to be just good common sense advice given to wives back in what’s sometimes referred to as “the good old days.” And if you click the image and read some of the advice, I doubt you’ll have any trouble at all guessing who calls it that.

To the women out there: I congratulate you on your hard-won freedoms…and I really do hope you’re happy with them.

And to all the men: okay guys, can anyone with even one of your balls left tell me how the hell we went and fucked up a sweet deal like that was?

Whether you want to improve your own technique or have someone else in mind who you’d like to see improve theirs, the Hand Job Advice website will be a treasure trove. The site has a nice collection of free videos, each one focused on a particular stroke which is identified by its nickname. For example, the sample video here shows a [tag]handjob[/tag] stroke called the “Never Ending Tunnel (just click the video to start it).

There are twenty other free videos on the site, which show how to do things like the The Shocker, the Wild Butterfly, the Washing Machine, Milking The Bull, the 2 Finger Corkscrew, Starting A Fire, the Doorknob, the Palm Lick, the Fakie Hand Job, the Switch Hitter, the Pancake, the Flattener, the Ping-Pong, the Healing Stroke, the Slippy Grippy, the Headless Hand Job, the Squeezing Ring, the 2 Handed Slammer, the Swizzle Stick, and the Over-Under. You’ll also find advice on sensitive areas, how firm to grip, plus lubes to use and lube lessons. Check out Hand Job Advice and learn how to give a fantastic hand job.

In New Delhi there’s a man who wants his dick cut off. No, he’s not trying to get a sex change operation. And no, he’s not mad at his dick for some reason. It’s just that he has two of them and thinks he needs to lose one if he wants to ever marry and have a normal sexual life.

Okay, so instead of pursuing a very lucrative life as a porn star, this 24-year-old double-dick man checked himself into a hospital and requested surgical removal of one of his dicks. Hey, I’m serious about the pornstar career he’s passing up. Imagine the scenes of surprising [tag]double-penetration[/tag]: she knows he’s the only guy in the room and she knows his cock is in her pussy and both his hands are on her tits, so what the hell is that pushing its way into her ass?

The doctors commented that the surgery is challenging because both dicks are fully-functional and well-formed. Thinking about this for a minute, even without going into porn, I bet this guy could find plenty of women (and men) who wouldn’t think two cocks were too many.

Can’t you just hear him at the bar saying “Actually, I have 12 inches hanging between my legs. Of course that’s split between my two cocks.” I doubt this guy would ever have to pay for a drink or go home alone if he didn’t want to…and he chooses surgery.

Well, there’s still hope for those who’d love to find a double-dick man. The rare medical condition is called penile duplication or diphallus, and occurs among one in 5.5 million men. There are about 100 reported cases worldwide right now, so get out there and start looking.

(Note: In a completely unrelated story, last year a German biker’s wife filed for divorce after he showed her the results of his surgery in which doctors had attached a second penis.)

— image above is from the Double Cock Sex article at SexTutor.com (check them out).