the xlog : x-rated weblog

I see my buddy Walrus found a video about Porn Flakes – The Breakfast with a Boner that he has on his blog now. It reminded me of our Perverted Breakfast Cereal Boxes post back in June, so I’m mentioning it here for everyone who agrees that it’s the most important meal of the day.

Bonus – he’s recently redesigned his blog, so if you go watch the video, check out the rest of the blog while you’re there.

Personally, I’ve never been a believer that any of the “get a bigger cock” stuff really works. I never really looked closely at any of the products either, but last week’s story about the [tag]ExtenZe[/tag] herbal penile enlargement pills surprised me anyway.

ExtenZe was made popular by porn star [tag]Ron Jeremy[/tag] (aka “the Hedgehog”) on infomercials, in which he brought a parade of colleagues from the world of adult to hawk the pills. “Who better to talk about sexual things and other fun stuff than them,” Jeremy said of some of the guests, which included porn stars Ruby and Scott Styles.

Well, last week’s story says that not only is ExtenZe having to change their advertising and pay a $300K fine, they’re also changing their formula to reduce higher-than-permitted levels of lead.

Yeah, you read that right. They have fucking lead in those pills! Seriously, these folks must have thought that the old saying “put some lead in your pencil” was all the formula they needed to produce a pill that would make your dick bigger and harder.

Hey Ron…get the fuck away from my dick with that poisonous toxic fucking metal.

Prosecutors say that more than 600 complaints were filed against the company nationwide with the Better Business Bureau. Typical problems include automatic charging of credit cards for unwanted shipments and problems getting refunds.

Hey ExtenZe… get the fuck away from my credit cards with your scammy, money-grubbing hands.

(Note: I know that Ron was just a hired spokesperson, but how many chances do you get to tell a world famous pornstar to get the fuck away from your dick?)

The photo to the right shows Melissa Midwest, the popular Internet star, holding her citation for [tag]public nudity[/tag]. Last week she was sentenced to six months probation and 50 hours of community service for her conviction on that charge. She was facing up to eight months in jail or a $500 fine. (click photo to see larger version)

Melissa got her public nudity citation after hosting a wet T-shirt contest at Cheerleaders bar. While public nudity is illegal in her hometown of Lincoln, NE, Melissa claims she was wearing opaque pink latex paint over her nipples, creating a de facto ‘pastie’ in accordance with the law, which requires that the areola and nipple be covered.

This is only Melissa’s her latest run in with law enforcement. Her first trouble was three years ago when she posted topless photos of herself on her website. Authorities charged her with the same offense — [tag]public indecency[/tag]. The case got attention from CNN, USA Today and NBC’s “Tonight Show.”

In this latest case, the police officers didn’t agree about the pink latex paint and charged Melissa with violating the city’s public decency ordinance at her home the next day. According to Melissa, because she’s well known, the local police follow her to events and station undercover officers inside to spot any decency violations.

A camera crew filmed the event for the Melissa Midwest website, so the tape can be used to appeal based on it showing that her nipples were obscured. It was even reported that a police officer at the event said, “Her nipple looks covered to me.”

(click to read more…)

How surprised are you to hear that this was done by someone who was drunk at the time? Witnesses say that the man who cut off his own penis was “strongly under the influence of alcohol.”

This idiot brought his dick to the hospital in a plastic bag, and in a three-and-a-half hour operation, had his organ stitched back on.

Doctors say that it will take four or five days to assess if the operation was successful, and then it would take about half a year to be sure that the man’s penis was functioning properly.

I’m hoping the Darwin effect takes over and this moron is never able to reproduce and pass his fucking stupidity into the gene pool.

Yeah, that’s a big fucking cock, that is. And that’s a flaccid whale cock. Just imagine that fucker fully erect and headed your way. Yeah, duck is right.

Click the photo for a larger view in a new window, and read on to learn what I found to go with this photo.

A blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it cums. That’s right. Over 400 gallons.

But here’s the thing. Only about 10% of that 400 gallons actually gets into the female whale. So that leaves about 360 gallons of blue whale moneyshot spilled all over the place everytime one of these big bastards lets go a load.

Still wondering why the oceans are so salty?

(Some math notes for those who care: A typical human cums about 2 to 6 milliliters (ml). A milliliter is 0.00023 gallon. Using 4ml as an average human cum shot, and roughing the numbers a little, it would take about 1,000 human cumshots to fill a gallon container. Using tight numbers, it would be 440,489 human cumshots to equal the volume of one blue whale ejaculation. Yep, nearly half a million of us, or almost a million if we’re fucking someone, just to equal one whale cumshot. So I don’t want to hear any complaints about people fucking in the ocean. It’s not us getting it all salty!)

A couple of months ago we had some interesting ideas for around the pussy tattoos posted here, but the one shown here really wins the prize for “Voted Most Popular Prisoner” in my book.

I definitely would not want to go to prison with this tattoo. I guess I’m not much interested in being Most Popular Prisoner. Nope, not one of my goals.

Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with wanting to go to prison with a tattoo like that.

I mean, to each his own.

I’m just saying it would not be anywhere on my list of good prison [tag]tattoos[/tag].

YMMV

This photo is from a demonstration held yesterday on the steps of the courthouse in Las Vegas.

The group, composed of [tag]prostitutes[/tag], [tag]strippers[/tag] and men and women of the night, called for more respect and stronger legal protections for legal and illegal workers in the sex industry. They complained that a series of new anti-human trafficking laws restrict their freedom and called for the decriminalization of the world’s oldest profession.

I have to agree with them. I think that spending the money we’re wasting locking up prostitutes and their johns could be spent in much better ways. We need to take a hard look at the things we’re trying so hard to control and realize that we need to get our noses out of what people want to do with each other.

You can read more about the demonstration and what they’re trying to achieve in the story linked here: Vegas sex workers demand rights, respect