the xlog : x-rated weblog

What the fuck is this? Little Johnny’s first moneyshot?

Well, somehow I missed the original release of this product sometime last year. But I did see that its television commercial was back in circulation just in time for good people everywhere to run out, fight the hordes, and grab one of these as the perfect holiday gift for their own kids or someone else’s.

Yeah, right, that is if by perfect you mean you want to be remembered as the relative who started Little Johnny (or Joanie) on their path to porn stardom. Use the controls on the video above to watch the real television commercial.

Okay. So if you watched the commercial I think you know what I mean by the moneyshot comment. To me that commercial looks like the ethnic mix of a Benneton kids commercial with a porn action overlay.

Even if you discount how the Oozinator itself looks a bit like the cock from an alien porn movie, can you really watch those children receiving load after load of what the Hasbro website calls “globs of gooey bio-ooze” without thinking that this might have been a bad idea for a toy?

I’m not sure what was going on at the actual Hasbro board meetings when the Oozinator was discussed and given the green light for production, but the second video above is a comedic look at an an imaginary board meeting discussing a product that they call the Splooginator, which at least is a more honest name for this toy. You can use the controls just below the image to start the video.

The Oozinator was available for sale on the Amazon.com website, and the product definitely inspired some very interesting comments from their customers. Amazon of course decided to pull those comments so no one could see them anymore.

But wait. You see that didn’t really work as well as they hoped, since we do have a screen capture for you, showing some of what was said before the comments were removed. Click on the small graphic on the left below to see the comments about the Oozinator from the Amazon website before they were removed.

So, tell us what you think. Good idea for a toy for kids? Bad idea? Could be fun for adults? Would you buy one, give one as a gift, let your own kids have one?

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[cartoon from wordsandpicturesonline.com]

Be very careful out at the parties this holiday season. The wrong comment or suggestive gesture could cost you your testicles. We’re not sure exactly what provoked Rebecca Dawson to attack Kevin Ross this week during a Christmas party. But we do know that both of them were very drunk and we know that she’s been charged with malicious [tag]castration[/tag] after attacking his genitals with her hands.

Malicious castration includes attempting to cut off, maim or disfigure someone’s genitals with the intent to hurt or render the victim impotent. North Carolina police said Rebecca only used her hands but Kevin still needed more than 50 stitches to repair the damage she caused.

We warn you to be careful because while Rebecca was arrested and jailed, she posted bond and was released the next day. The picture we found of Rebecca just wasn’t something we wanted to show here. We’ll just leave it at that, but if you need to see her you can click here.

Note: The photo above is an antique vase showing Aphrodite being born from the white foam which spread around Uranus’ genitals. Uranus was the first ruler of the universe, and reigned until his son Cronos, revolting against his rule, castrated him. I liked the photo much more than Rebecca’s pic.

If you haven’t heard about the SantaCon events, you may want to check out the official site to see what happens near you. From our sources, the basic idea is that about 100 people dress up in Santa costumes and then go from bar to bar and get as drunk as they can. Once everyone is pretty well smashed, the Santa mob “besieges local shops, hassles tourists, and sticks their tongues down each other’s throats.”

These events happen in about 50 cities around the country and the world. This year we got one report that the Mounties in Canada were called after a rowdy gang of 100 tipsy Santas caused mayhem at the Metrotown Mal, near Vancouver.

Evidently the Santas were carrying a gasoline container full of what was described as ‘a pungent mix of holiday cheer’. You can see some photos of the Vancouver group here.

There’s also a long blog entry with lots of photos of the San Francisco event from a few years ago here.

The Cheap Suit Santas use a variety of altered Xmas Carols which they bellow loudly to annoy one and all. Favorites include Cannabis is Coming to Town, Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire, Deck My Balls, Frosty the Cokehead, Huff the Nitrous Angels Sing, Oh Come All Ye Perverts, and Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear. You can read the lyrics for these and others here and here.

We hope your holidays have been fun too!

Seems there’s a village in Sweden whose residents want to change its name. They believe that the name of Fjuckby arouses ridicule, teasing and hilarity in the general public. The rude English-language associations are bad enough, but the Swedish word ‘juck’ means the same thing, making it hard to sell property or run a successful business there, or so the residents say.

A representative of the Swedish surveyors’ office said name changes were rare, but did admit that the village of Krakanger did change its name in the 1950s. It’s name basically meant “sorry about the vomit.”

If Fjuckby gets the name change it wants, similar campaigns may be launched in Anusviken, Arslet and Dicken. (Yeah, and don’t forget the lovely hamlet of Gagonacock.)

A Mexican man hung himself by hooks from a tree to protest against discrimination against tattooed and pierced people.

It was part of a wider anti-discrimination demonstration in Mexico City, and the group staged the protest in the city centre where they stripped off to show off their [tag]tattoos[/tag] and [tag]piercings[/tag].

The man, who did not reveal his identity, hung himself from hooks tied to a wooden frame suspended from a tree. His personal protest attracted a crowd and shocked passers-by but he was not hurt. Dante Salomo, one of the organisers of the protest, said: “In Mexico a tattooed person is the victim of all kinds of discrimination, they don’t get good jobs and are mistreated everywhere.”

(Wow — here in America all you need to be is Mexican to get that kind of treatment.)

Well, at least in this one Toronto restaurant they are. The iMaid Cafe servers are all dressed in French maid outfits featuring black mini-skirts, long socks and white aprons.

This new Canadian eatery is designed after the cartoon-inspired restaurants which have been popular in Japan for some years now. The servers’ costumes are ordered from Japan to keep things as authentic as possible.

The restaurants in Japan, that this one is crafted to mimic, are devoted to costume play, which is referred to as [tag]cosplay[/tag]. In cosplay, people dress as characters from Japanese anime, tokusatsu, graphic manga novels, video games, as well as Japanese live action television shows, fantasy movies, or Japanese pop music bands. Cosplay can also refer to someone simply wearing a costume.

Owner Aaron Wang, 24, who opened the iMaid Cafe this summer, wanted to open a restaurant that would be different from other traditional Hong Kong and Chinese restaurants in Toronto, a cosmopolitan city where two million of the 4.6 million people are foreign born. The largest minority group is the Chinese population, which is 410,000.

Wang says he calls his girls maids not waitresses. He also makes sure to hire servers who are young and cute, with long hair and big eyes, and who smile a lot like the characters from the cartoons.

The iMaid Cafe serves a mix of Hong Kong, Taiwanese and Western food. You can find it in the Scarborough suburb about a 30 minute drive from Toronto’s city centre.

In an interesting turn, a court in Norway has ruled that stripping is considered an art, and therefore Norwegian [tag]strippers[/tag] don’t have to pay the country’s 25 percent value-added tax (VAT) on their earnings.

The owners of the Diamond Go Go Bar in Oslo had refused to pay the VAT as tax authorities demanded, and the local authority had taken the club to court over its refusal. Lawyers for the club’s owners argued that the strip tease is an art form that requires skill and that striptease dancers were stage artists just like sword-swallowers and comedians and deserved the same respect and tax breaks as other creative artists and performers.

“Striptease, in the way it is practiced in this case, is a form of dance combined with acting,” the court ruled, making a clear distinction between “banal and vulgar” striptease — in which there is physical contact between dancers and the audience — and artistic dance.

“It can hardly be questioned that striptease is entertainment,” said the High Court verdict. “Most people would characterise striptease as an artistic activity.”

The court also ordered Norway to pay the legal costs for the Go-Go Bar, estimated at $27,000.

Note to art lovers: the art shown here is from Jared von Hindman and Michiel Van der Somme (sculpture).