the xlog : x-rated weblog

The London Review of Books has what’s been called the world’s funniest lonely-hearts columns. There’s now a book featuring some of the best and most absurd ads they’ve published since they began the column in 1998. Below is a sample of the kinds of ads you’ll find in the book.

‘They call me Naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46).’

‘I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I’ll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you’re the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.’

(click to read more…)

Tito Ortiz, champion Utimate Fighter, told the Marine Corps that if he can’t bring Jenna Jameson, his pornstar girlfriend, he won’t be attending the ceremony to honor him at the ball to celebrate the Marine Corps’ birthday.

Fans of the Utimate Fighter can still look forward to seeing Tito and Jenna with the Marines when their Miramar, Calif. base hosts a UFC fight night which will be broadcast on Spike TV.

Here’s something you won’t be able to spend $100 on to buy for your kids. At least not since Tesco was forced to have this “toy” pulled from the toys and games section of their website.

Tesco was accused of “destroying children’s innocence” after the kit was discovered in the toy section by a mother searching for Christmas gifts for her 10 and 11 year old daughters. Evidently she was surprised to see sales copy saying:

“Unleash the sex kitten inside…simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go!

“Soon you’ll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars.”

The kit includes a chrome pole that extends to 8ft 6ins, a ‘sexy dance garter’ and a DVD demonstrating suggestive dance moves.

Family Focus, a group opposed to the kit, said that “Children are being encouraged to dance round a pole which is interpreted in the adult world as a phallic symbol… This should only be available to the most depraved people who want to corrupt their children.”

Tesco today agreed to remove the product from the Toy section of the site, but said it will remain on sale as a Fitness Accessory.

Now I’m not saying that kit should be sold to children, but I will say that if you start practicing early enough you can avoid what happens in the video above. Some strippers are too young, and some are just too drunk. Click the start button to take a look.

Let this serve as a reminder for everyone climbing up on their roofs this holiday season, it can be a dangerous place to slip if you’re holding a pneumatic nail gun.

That’s a lesson that August Voegl learned when he tripped and accidentally fired a four-inch nail through his left testicle and into the roof where he was working.

He couldn’t pull the nail out of the roof, nor could he pull himself off the nail. (Talk about not being able to get off!) An emergency medical team had to be called in to separate the two of them and airlift him to a hospital where he’s recovering following surgery.

Like the South Korean people don’t have enough to worry about with North Korean as a neighbor, now their own government is trying to restrict their god-given right to have sex with a rubber doll.

Here’s the deal. In South Korea you can rent what’s called a “doll experience room” for an hour for just over $26 US (or 25,000 Won). That gets you a bed, a computer. and a well-made rubber sex doll. The dolls are what we call a Real Doll and what they think we call a “dirty wife” for some reason. These are expensive and realistic playtoys we’re talking about here, with the starting price to purchase one being around $6,500 plus $500 for shipping. (Yes, that’s a [tags]Real Doll[/tags] in the photo.)

The doll experience rooms were introduced as a way around the Special Law on Prostitution which went into effect in 2004. So first your country tells you that you can’t fuck the women who are willing to fuck you for money, and now they’re trying to say that you can’t pay to fuck a rubber woman either.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure that this world is just about as fucked up as it would be if some asshole ran the whole thing.

–Note to self: but it’d still be nice to get the licensing rights to a line of Pussycat Dolls made by Real Dolls.

If you’re ever in Serbia and a witchdoctor tells you that having sex with a hedgehog will cure premature ejaculation, don’t fucking take his advice. Zoran Nikolovic believed the advice and wound up in the operating room when the hedgehog’s needles severely lacerated his dick.

The good news is that the hedgehog survived unhurt by the encounter with the idiot. The bad news is that the hospital was able to repair the damage to the dick, so there’s still a chance this moron could breed.

Actually, we mean more years of knowing that you’re enjoying [tag]porn[/tag]. And this isn’t something some pothead said at a local smokeshop in West Nowhere. No, we’re basing that statement on new research in the USA which claims that smoking pot prevents Alzheimer’s disease.

The Scripps Research Institute in California is now saying that the active ingredient in marijuana, THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol), prevents the progression of the disease by preserving levels of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine better than current commercial drugs. In their report to the Molecular Pharmaceutics journal, the researchers said THC is also more effective at blocking the clumps of protein which can inhibit memory and cognition in Alzheimer’s patients.

So now, besides helping relieve glaucoma and the side-effects of chemotherapy and AIDS treatments, we can now add that marijuana smoking helps prevent the leading cause of dementia among the elderly.

When the hell are the medical establishment and the lawmakers going to stop taking money from the big pharmaceutical companies and work together to get the criminal penalties removed at least for those who have valid medical needs?